Tony Porter on Speaking Our Collective Feminist Voice

When I was pregnant in 2006 with my son, everyone would ask, "So, what are you having?" Depending on my hormonal state, feeling of fighting the socially constructed, gendered-political fight, or if someone satiated my former almost-vegan-self with a steak followed by a Dairy Queen Blizzard, my answer would change. 

Most of the time, I would just answer simply without deconstructing or commenting on the question itself - a boy.  What was more shocking were the responses to my answer: "Oh, don't worry, next time you'll have a girl." 

WHAT?!?

The first time I heard this response was from my mother and although aggravating it was no surprise (that is a whole other post)!  But when complete strangers began giving me that response, I was flabbergasted and at times unsure if I heard them correctly. 

In short, my interpretation of this response was as such:

1. While boys are more valued in our globalized world, you can play "dress up" with your new infant baby girl.  What woman wouldn't want a real-life baby girl to play dress-up with?  Isn't that what she has always dreamed of?

2. If you are having one child, why wouldn't you want another? You are a woman, after all, you should want to have lots of children and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen for years!

3. And specific to me, the interpretation would go, "Don't you want a daughter you can raise a feminist?"

Well, my personal answer to the implied questions was and remains an adamant, NO!   No, I never dreamt of having a real-life baby to play dress up with; no, I do not want more than one child; and most importantly, no, I do not need to have had a daughter to raise my offspring as a feminist!  In fact, my most favorite response came from a cousin, who said when I told her I was pregnant with my son said, "Oh, thank goodness!  We need more kind, compassionate and enlightened men in this world."  Of course, I hold that statement dear to my heart to this day.  As for my now four-year-old son, nothing brings me more joy than to know that I am raising my son to be a kind, compassionate and self-aware child who as an adult will have a gift to use his voice for the benefit of women and men alike. 

This TEDwomen talk by Tony Porter, educator, activist, lecturer and co-founder of A Call to Men, moved me deeply.  Porter expressed the exact sentiment that I feel like I am fighting on a daily basis - to break our sons and men in our life "free of the man box."